How to Stay Warm in the Winter

Wesley Henshaw, Staff Writer

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November is almost gone, and December is creeping around the corner. With December comes winter and with winter comes being cold. Lucky for you, here is a helpful list on how to completely and utterly defeat cold this winter.

Psychological Warfare. The first thing to do in any confrontation is to use mind tactics. The Cold thinks it has already won. Your job is to psyche it out. Walk outside often, wearing normal summer clothes. Go to the pool and act surprised that it is cold. The Cold will panic, thinking that it’s not winning anymore. This begins your battle with the Cold.

Gather Support. You need to show the Cold that you’re not alone. Get your friends to start walking around in shorts and tank tops. It’ll be fine. Now the Cold will truly began to panic.

Attack Vulnerabilities. The next step is to attack the Cold in their own home: the North Pole. The Cold detects your intrusion and quickly retreats back to their homeland, leaving the rest of the world very warm. However, this battle has only begun. All the Cold in the world is now coming to fight you in the North Pole. Congratulations.

Confrontation. Now you are literally fighting the Cold. There’s only one way to fight something so powerful. You must fight fire with fire, or rather cold with cold. You’ve got be colder than the Cold. When your body begins to approach absolute zero (literally cold enough to freeze everything) you know you’re doing well. You have utterly destroyed the Cold’s confidence in becoming colder than it is.

Profit. You have vanquished your frosty adversary, at least for the time being. Since the Cold can’t be permanently defeated, it will probably just retire to some tropical location, like Hawaii. Congratulations! So, for some Pros and Cons. Pro: You’re no longer cold anymore. Con: You may have single-handedly caused drastic global warming for the world. Pro: Hawaii will still be okay, though. Con: But Hawaii will now be freezing, decreasing tourism drastically, which poses a problem to the predominantly tourism-based Hawaiian economy.

Overall, you give some, you lose some. Do you topple the Hawaiian economy and sabotage the delicate balance of Earth’s climate so that you feel warmer during the winter? Or do you perhaps wear a bigger coat and just deal with the low temperatures? The decision is all up to personal preference and resolve, but either way, you’ve managed to become warm in the winter.

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How to Stay Warm in the Winter