Beat the Heat

Wesley Henshaw, Staff Writer

So you’ve defeated the cold, what now? Now that the cold has run away in complete fear of its obvious superior, you, it is common to experience rapid and global scorching of the planet as the balance of nature has been offset. Here are some methods of countering warm weather this summer.

The Best Sunscreen

Well, without cold, all you’ve got is hot. “Where is this heat coming from?”, you might ask. Why the sun, of course! The only natural thing to do is completely remove the sun. I find the best ways to get rid of the sun are either with a solid kick, making sure you maintain good form for maximum distance, or with gratuitous taunting, making the sun feel bad and leave.

With the sun gone, you’ll find things cool down quite a bit. Now, don’t forget you scared away the cold. Earth won’t be hot anymore, but it won’t be cold either. The result: void. Just a world absent of heat and cold. Nothing lives, nothing really dies, just a limbo. But you’re not hot anymore.

The Peace Treaty

Man, it sure is hot without cold around. Wouldn’t it be great to have them back? It’s never too late, win them over! They may be resentful, after all, you did beat them in epic combat. A good way of winning over an old enemy is to invite them to dinner. Give cold a night on the town, enjoying sights and having general fun. Afterwards, organize a proposition for the moderate return of cold. Bing bang, now you’ve solved the problem. Good on you for taking the peaceful route.


Just get out of there. The world too hot? Who needs the world? Jump right into the atmosphere, go somewhere cooler. Using the power of your jump’s kinetic energy, fly through the atmosphere into the cold, harsh space itself. Now space typically variates from very hot to very cold, so it would seem like you’ve struck the perfect equilibrium. For the brief second between boiling and freezing, you’ve got yourself a nice temperature.

But why stop there? “Nice” isn’t great. Most scientists agree that the stuff space is made of is a similar consistency as water (totally real, no need to fact check). Just kick your feet back and forth and you’ll be swimming in no time. You want to aim for a new solar system, so just keep kicking straight out of the system. In no time you’ll see all new planets. Find one that is suitable for life (easy enough), and one that is in the prime season. Now you’ve got exactly what you want, a well balanced temperature for a planet.


Congratulations! One way or another, you’ve just beaten the heat, a truly remarkable heat. No need to worry about any small details such as “natural balance” or “widespread consequences” because you’re no longer hot, which is all that matters. Could you have just worn shorts? Maybe, but who cares? Don’t worry about it.

But now that you think about it, it’s getting somewhat chilly…